In couples therapy, one of the most transformative yet often underestimated dynamics is the bid for connection. These are the small, everyday attempts partners make to reach out emotionally—whether through words, gestures, or expressions. How we respond to those moments deeply influences the quality of our relationships. When these bids go unnoticed or unanswered over time, emotional distance often follows.
In this post, we’ll explore what bids for connection are, look at practical examples, examine the consequences of missing them, and offer actionable ways to strengthen emotional connection in daily life. Whether you're trying to grow closer or heal past disconnection, this concept offers a powerful lens for understanding intimacy.
🧠 Note: The concept of “bids for connection” and related frameworks are based on the research of Drs. John and Julie Gottman, renowned psychologists and founders of the Gottman Institute.
What Are Bids for Connection?
A bid for connection is any attempt—verbal, physical, or behavioral—to get another person’s attention, support, or emotional presence (Gottman Institute). It could be as explicit as saying, “I need to talk,” or as subtle as a glance, a smile, or a shared joke. These moments may seem minor, but over time, they become the thread that weaves emotional closeness between partners.
The concept was developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, whose extensive research showed that the way couples respond to each other’s emotional outreach strongly correlates with relationship satisfaction and longevity.
Examples of Bids for Connection
Bids can take many forms and are often influenced by personality, context, and emotional needs. Here are some examples categorized by intention:
Affection-Based Bids
“Can I have a hug?”
Reaching out to hold hands or cuddle
Requests for Support
“Today was really tough.”
“Can you help me figure something out?”
Playful or Humorous Bids
Sharing a meme or funny video
Light teasing or joking around
Physical or Romantic Bids
Flirtatious touches or eye contact
Expressing physical or emotional desire
Attention-Seeking Bids
“Look what I found today.”
Sharing a personal story or reflection
Responding to these moments with attentiveness builds a sense of emotional safety and connection (Gottman Institute).
Why Bids Matter So Much
At the heart of every bid is a deeper question: Do I matter to you? Will you show up for me emotionally? These seemingly small interactions are actually invitations to connect and be seen. When they’re received with warmth and presence, trust and closeness grow. When they’re dismissed or overlooked, even unintentionally, feelings of rejection and loneliness can develop.
Over time, the consistent acknowledgment or neglect of bids becomes a strong predictor of how emotionally safe a relationship feels.
🧠 Did You Know?
According to research conducted by the Gottman Institute, couples who stayed together turned toward each other’s emotional bids 86% of the time, while those who later divorced did so only 33% of the time.
How We Respond to Emotional Bids
The way we respond to a partner’s bid for connection plays a crucial role in the health of the relationship. Dr. John Gottman identified three primary ways partners respond to bids:
Turning Toward
You acknowledge and respond positively. This might involve listening, engaging in conversation, or offering a warm gesture.Turning Away
You ignore or fail to notice the bid. This could happen due to distraction, stress, or lack of awareness.Turning Against
You react negatively—through irritation, sarcasm, or criticism.
In healthy relationships, partners tend to respond positively to bids far more often than not. Each time you turn toward a bid, you strengthen the emotional bond, creating a kind of “emotional reserve” that can support the relationship through difficult times.
Why Bids Are Often Missed
Even in loving relationships, missed bids are common. Here are some common reasons:
High stress or mental load: When overwhelmed, we may tune out or overlook emotional cues.
Attachment patterns: Some individuals may struggle to express or interpret emotional bids due to past experiences.
Differences in communication style: One person may be more direct, while the other is more subtle.
Distractions: Devices, parenting, or multitasking can interfere with emotional presence.
Lack of awareness: Many don’t realize how vital these everyday moments are.
Understanding both your and your partner’s unique bidding styles can greatly enhance communication and connection.
What Happens When Bids Are Ignored
When emotional bids are consistently met with silence, disinterest, or negativity, the partner making the bid may begin to feel unimportant or invisible. This emotional erosion doesn't happen all at once. It’s often the result of hundreds of tiny, missed moments.
For example, imagine one partner frequently sends funny videos or little updates throughout the day, hoping for connection. At first, their partner might reply with a brief "lol" or a thumbs-up. But over time, the responses dwindle. Eventually, the bids stop altogether—not out of anger, but resignation.
This dynamic—often referred to as a failed bid for connection—can lead to deeper issues like resentment, emotional withdrawal, or a pervasive sense of loneliness within the relationship (Gottman Institute). Often, couples reach a breaking point not because of one major conflict, but due to the emotional distance created by many small missed opportunities for connection.
How to Repair a Missed Bid
No one responds perfectly all the time. The good news is that the connection can be repaired, even after a missed moment.
Ways to Reconnect:
“I realized I wasn’t really present earlier—can we revisit that?”
“I think I missed something important. Want to share it again?”
“I’m sorry I seemed distracted. I want to understand how you’re feeling.”
These efforts signal care and a willingness to show up, even if it’s after the fact. Reaching back out also models emotional responsibility and fosters trust.
Simple Ways to Turn Toward Your Partner
Responding to bids doesn’t require dramatic gestures. In fact, small, consistent responses often have the greatest impact.
Everyday Practices to Build Connection
Make eye contact when your partner speaks
Pause what you’re doing and give full attention
Offer physical touch or supportive words
Ask follow-up questions that show interest
Match their tone—whether it’s excitement, worry, or sadness
By showing that you’re emotionally present, you communicate: You matter to me. I’m here with you.
✍️ Try This:
Over the next three days, jot down three moments where your partner made a bid for connection. Did you turn toward, away, or against? Reflect on what got in the way and what helped you respond with presence.
Tailoring Your Responses to Love Languages
Not all bids are expressed—or received—the same way. What feels connecting to one person may barely register with another. This is where understanding your partner’s love language becomes incredibly helpful.
If your partner values Words of Affirmation, they may light up when you offer kind, encouraging words or verbal acknowledgment of their feelings. For someone who prioritizes Quality Time, simply stopping what you’re doing to be fully present—even for a short conversation—can be deeply meaningful.
A partner whose love language is Acts of Service might feel most connected when you lend a hand with a task or help relieve a burden. Physical Touch bids may come in the form of a hug, hand on the back, or playful touch—gestures that affirm connection nonverbally. And someone who appreciates Gifts may experience bids in the form of thoughtful surprises or small tokens that say, “I was thinking of you.”
By recognizing and responding to bids in a way that resonates with your partner’s emotional style, you're not just acknowledging their needs—you’re deepening the emotional bond between you.
What If Your Partner Rejects or Misses Your Bids?
It can be painful when your emotional outreach goes unanswered. If you notice a pattern, consider these approaches:
Reflect and name the dynamic: “I feel like my attempts to connect haven’t been landing lately.”
Stay curious: Ask, “Is something on your mind? I feel some distance between us.”
Choose your moment wisely: Timing can make a big difference. Avoid bringing up emotional needs in the heat of stress or conflict.
Suggest learning together: Invite your partner to explore this dynamic through books, articles, or therapy.
Often, missed bids are not about rejection, but about distraction, overwhelm, or emotional unawareness.
Rebuilding Intimacy Through Small, Daily Habits
The good news? Rebuilding emotional connection doesn’t require dramatic change—it starts with small, repeated gestures of presence. These daily choices signal: "I'm here. I care."
Daily Habits to Strengthen Connection
Check in about feelings, not just logistics
Celebrate small wins or joys together
Create rituals of connection—like morning chats or evening walks
Express gratitude and appreciation regularly
Be fully present, even for brief interactions
You might try starting a simple ritual: asking one another, “What was a high and low point of your day?” Or taking 5 minutes before bed to share something meaningful. These practices can build emotional muscle and re-establish the rhythm of connection.
A powerful exercise is to track three bids you make or receive each day. Reflect on how you responded and how it affected your emotional connection. Over time, these small shifts can create lasting change.
Emotional Bids: The Foundation of Intimacy
Bids for connection may seem small, but they carry immense emotional weight. They are the everyday ways we ask to be seen, heard, and loved. When we respond with presence and care, we reinforce a sense of belonging and trust. Over time, this becomes the emotional backbone of a resilient and fulfilling relationship.
In my work as a therapist in Santa Monica, I often meet folks who feel distant without understanding why. Many are unintentionally missing their partner’s bids. Learning to notice and respond to those moments can completely shift the emotional dynamic in a relationship.
If you're curious about how this shows up in your relationship, therapy can offer a supportive space to explore these patterns, build new habits, and reconnect in meaningful ways. Reach out today to get started.